Part II - My Cynicism Rages On

Should it concern me when the only photo of a guy on their profile looks like a mugshot? And their subsequent photos look as if they've just been paroled?

Why do people ask the question "what is your favorite color?" I am a psych major - even then we never found much use for it. If I say red, versus blue - which is better? Does it mean we will be a better match if I say the same color as you or is it going to make some witty conversation piece that we both love kelly green?

Starting your profile off like this: "Hi Well I have had adds up before but nobody ever answers, I'm guessing theres no single ladies in orlando, but I have some free time so I'll do it again."

(Might be the reason why you get no answers. If you sound hopeless from the start, people are going to think you are hopeless.)

"I am a damn good agent, dashing, and modest" (are you kidding? Modest??? REALLY? It sounds like it. I applaud you being good at what you do and recognizing that, no harm in that, but to follow your props to your career with props to your looks followed by MODEST? No. No. No.)

"you look really mischevious! what's the most fiendish prank you've ever pulled?" (This is just creepy. This happy message was sent to a friend, not me. Creepy. Creepy. Creepy. Get to know a person a little first before you start asking for their deep secrets)

I cant see you ehind the beer (So? If my looks are that important to you, I'm not interested. If what you see is not sufficient to interest you, mosey along. )

"Well, I hope you're more than just another pretty face or somethinf. I bet you're probably getting about 36 emails a day from desperate guys saying things like "Hi, I'm freshly divorced from my seventh wife, have 5 delinquent kids... but the good news is that I have a great chance of buying my dream doublewide... So... wanna go get a big mac?"

In any event, I'm 26, not too insane, a great conversationalist, and I'm more than the usual amount of interesting and funny, so you'd better like to laugh.

You might just make an interesting friend, so message me back... if you think you can handle it, that is!" (this one I found interesting - humorous, somewhat decent ... at least attempted at capturing attention)

" Nice dimples. Nice smile. How come you haven't found a wonderful yet? I wish I was a wonderful man...I'd hook up with you in an instant. LOL.Email me back if you are interested in the greatest adventure of your life." (The greatest adventure of my life? With a man who *wishes* he was wonderful? I'm confused. I have, now that you mentioned it, been looking all my life for a not-so-wonderful man to have the greatest adventure of my life with. I've been looking in all the wrong places)

"How are you? Wow that cup looks almost your size :)" (what does that even mean? Is that supposed to be compliment? An insult? A conversation starter? Maybe it's bad in my opinion because the creepy, sleazy-man voice in my head reads a line like that, thus making that smiley face resemble more deviance than happy.)

"thought i would drop a line to u .would like to be friends? nice beer!!!lol" (this has all the sentiments of a note passed to another kid in elementary school, minus the nice beer part. Wanna be friends? Check yes or no. On what basis, other than your creepy photo should we be friends?)

"I'M NEW TO THIS,AN SORT OF SHY.I WAS WONDERING IF SOMEDAY I COULD MAYBE HOLD YOUR HAND." (CREEEEEEPY!!!! Again, as an intro message, this is just all wrong. Do people not believe in talking and getting to know someone just s teeny tiny bit before jumping straight into awkward and creeepy? )

"As a common citizen I appreciate your passion for Civil Rights. I find that incredibly fascinating. I follow politics and read up on issues as much as I can. For the record, I voted in favor of gay rights for marriage. It's a shame that it did not work out." (A+ for reading my profile and picking something that matters to me as common ground. However, is this asking for brownie points suggesting he voted for gay rights? I said I support civil rights - I could still be anti-gay-marriage. I've found that to be true of many people. Is it wrong of me that this bothers me because he says "its a shame it DIDN'T work out?" - as in "wow, that sucked, too bad, glad it's over though" as in, the cause is dead? My profile should definitely read "I read too deep into things so be careful what you say!!" Again, I am in no way jaded as to my own cynicism and high-standards)

"i like clubing but not every weekend " (be certain, when I see this in your profile, I'm running the other way. I mean, what? The fact you like clubbing at all is not the worst part - I can handle someone who does that once in a while ... but all the smilies? Why? And the dancing banana makes me think you do a lot of drugs on a regular basis to think that's what a girl needs to see)

(I'm not sure how I feel about someone who's 3 words they choose to describe themself are "I am wonderful, amazing, and sweet." (I mean wonderful and amazing are almost the same word - that some confidence. Borderline - arrogance. BUT the 3 word game is a hard one to play.)

"I love Beer-Drinking women, and I love the Packers, and the Vikings, and My Bengals, and I love the Colts, too!" (Great statement. If you took a moment to read my profile and the only thing that interested you that we have in common is a football team and the beer I'm drinking, maybe we should explore greater depths - when you have the time to pose a question that requires a response. My response: GREAT! I'm anxiously awaiting what comments my response elicits.)

"Wanna be friends? ;-)" (Yes, this was the entire Intro message. I'm starting to feel like I need to change my profile picture - but I like the way I look in it. And the beer is not there for any reason other than I happen to look good in that picture. I would change it but I kind of enjoy the random responses it elicits.)

As a final note, I will say, I have actually met a few seemingly normal guys on these websites. They are hard to come by but they are out there. I'm hopeful about the process .. but I will find the humor in the rest of it. I know, I'm a bit mean. But I do have higher hopes from someone I date that maybe they can come up with something more creative than "Hi, wanna be friends?" When you are using an INTERNET DATING SITE, there has to be a reason for a person to want to meet you in a public place, or have a drink with you. I applaud those that dive right in and have no fear, but unfortunately, I'm skeptical. I tread with caution. I read the news. I see the Craigslist-want-ads gone bad on the front page. I hesitate. And if you have no ambition to get to know me over email first, I have no need to meet you in a public place and be your friend. Not yet. Harsh? Yes. It's a tough world we live in. And in reality, I protect myself as much as possible from that. Sad? Maybe. Reality? Definitely.

The New Dating Adventure .. Online ..

Recently, I thought it might be fun to check out a dating website. I've never done so before nor had I ever had any inclination to start. Maybe out of sheer boredom it seemed like a good idea. It has been 4 days - and while I find there could be potential MAYBE to this process, even more so, I find it humorous and appalling at the same time at the thought of some of these people being confused as to why they are single.

First, a few "Don'ts" --

1. Do not put photos of yourself and other girls (Or for girls, other guys) on your profile. Who is the girl you are with? Your girlfriend? Wife? Sister? Are you trying to look like a player? I don't care your reasoning for it - even if you look good in the picture. Don't do it. Crop the other person out. It makes little sense why you are trying to GET DATES if you already have one.

2. Don't start messages with subjects like "Important..." and in the body of the message just say "Hi."

3. If you message someone you are interested, try to come up with something beyond "YO! WHAT'S UP?" I get it. Writing to someone you've never met based on a brief profile is scary - but put a little effort into it. Ask a simple question based on their profile. There must be some reason in the profile you thought to contact them. Go with it!

4. If you are going to send an initial message by telling someone that something they do or believe in or enjoy is "bad" for them or something negative you don't approve of - why are you messaging them in the first place? Either you are a douche bag who thinks you are better than that person and you can change them in some way, or you enjoy being a douche bag. They are both equally as bad. Find someone you're actually interested in or find a new hobby.

5. God invented spell check and the English language for a reason. USE IT. Spelling words like "Sekkkkkkksy" is not "SEXY." "U" is spelled "YOU" - does it take so much effort to add those additional two letters? Capitalizing sentences and using punctuation make all the difference in a message. I may be picky, but when I say I'm looking for "intelligence," I'm not referring to your education level, I'm referring to your ability to communicate, carry on interesting conversations, and use punctuation in appropriate levels.

6. If you are on a dating website for the intent of meeting people, why would you write something like "I'm sure my musical taste is more interesting than yours and my pets are better than yours anyway" in your profile? Are you a funny-guy or really think so highly of yourself and are making it ultra-clear for the girls out there?

I'm not perfect by any stretch. I admit to my high standards. What I am saying is, in some scenarios, it is not hard to answer the question "why am I single?" That is all.

And this blog is for my amusement and maybe yours. I am going to post some of the great messages I receive or others receive on such websites - names will be excluded. But it is too amusing to pass up.

Here are a few to get started:

"hiiiiiiiiii...vic"

Subject: Padleford fay "this is an interesting case that states the american people are not

party to the constitution,in which most americans believe they are." (Here, I applaud the reading of my profile, understanding I'm a law student, and attempting to converse about something related .. but wtf are you talking about? And I know I suggested just saying "hi" is not the best thing, but start with a "hi" or an intro .. )

Subject: hey From: The Apostle "i wish i could see through the beermug, but you prolly get that from every man that goes on your profile COUNSELOR, lol........... " (I know, I said I would leave off "names" but really? The Apostle? They say on job resumes you should always have an email address to use that is not like 'igetwastedontheweekends@yahoo.com' - I think screen names on these sites should follow a similar thought process ... I mean, by all means, be more creative than you would a job application, but don't let your name reflect the high prestige you give yourself)

"hello how r u tonight ?"

"How many of those can u drink? Lol" (It's a fair question - there is a beer in my photo that I am drinking)

Subject: Awesome picture .... "you are my kind of girl. Have a great day." (This makes me question which part makes me 'his kind of girl' - that I'm drinking a beer? Or something he read in my profile? If we based a relationship solely on my ability to drink a beer, that would certainly be everlasting love....)

"hello how are you tonight??? just wanted to say hi" ("Hi back?" It's a great convo starter ... but are all the Shift keys on all the keyboards in the world broken?)